Shit Email 1: Ball-tampering

You don’t need me to tell you that internet dating is shit. Absolute crap. Case in point- a recent message exchange I had. The gentleman in question was no Adonis but he had a username that sounded inviting, if a little desperate, encouraging people to “ChooseMe.” With his short, shaved hair I couldn’t help but think of Ralph Wiggum and his choo, choo choose Valentine’s card. Okay fine, I’ll play along…


Mr ChooseMe had written that he was friendly and down-to-earth. Sounds ok. He also said he enjoyed to cook and travel as well as watch films, sports and TV. Suffice to say, he didn’t seem like a serial killer and ticked some boxes… That was, until some bright red flags appeared on the horizon.


Mr ChooseMe kicked off the email exchange with some random facts about himself. It was rather cute if a little narcissistic given that I had a whole profile of his at my disposal to read. He talked about his favourite colour (blue), favourite season (winter) and that The Swedish Chef was his favourite Muppet.


But then things got weird. He revealed that he had a phobia of birds. Hmmmmmm. And that one of his testicles hung lower than the other. Really? This is apparently what constitutes a good conversation starter? How come I’ve never seen that as an ice-breaker activity in the training books?


I decided to play-along, though in hindsight I seriously question why. I wrote that I’d had a good giggle reading what he’d written (surely he didn’t expect me to take any of it seriously?) I too wrote about my own penchants- for spring weather and dark and/or milk chocolate (no white for me, that stuff is vile!) I also mentioned that my hobby is writing reviews in my spare time.


I decided to gloss over any reference to his testicles. I figured that if things went well then down the line I could discover this all for myself in my own good time. I needn’t have worried.


He responded with an incredulity of sorts. He was concerned I was laughing at his uneven balls (errrrrr no and why do you keep bringing this up?) He said he never liked Miss Piggy because she sounded like she was having 30-minute orgasms despite not getting any from Kermit the Frog. All I’d said was that I too liked the Swedish Chef and those old guys from the Muppets. Was someone implying that he was rubbish in the sack? Hmmmmmm.


In reference to my hobby as a reviewer Mr ChooseMe decided that he wanted me to rate his emails. How does one respond to this graciously given the circumstances? I decide to give him a generous seven in my reply and figure that Yazz were right and that the only way is up.


I also acknowledge his second reference to his uneven manhood by mentioning the Ignoble Awards and the useless analysis of scrotal asymmetry in ancient sculpture. Thank you Dr Karl! I figured I was quite clever to mention this and that it was proof that I can keep a conversation going with anyone, no matter how stupid the material was that I had to work with.


But guess what? I got ghosted! No response. Or reply. Nothing.


And in case you’re wondering, one month on and this guys is still available… I wonder how that could be!


If I can give any advice it would be to not bring a ruler on your first date if you get one. Mr ChooseMe might get tetchy and start banging on about his uneven balls. He might even accuse you of ball tampering. And that will no doubt implicate you in the recent activities of the Australian men’s cricket team.


It also gives a whole new meaning to the term blue balls!